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The Entirely Arbitrary but Painfully Obvious Life Lessons of Film

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Here at Popcornography we feel it is important to teach. Often cinematic wisdom goes unnoticed or overlooked and it makes me sad.

With that said, Popcornography introduces its latest and most enlightening category – The Entirely Arbitrary but Painfully Obvious Life Lessons of Film. It is thus, with great pleasure, that Popcornography presents 15 lessons that may have been overlooked when watching some of these classic  films. I made a list. I love lists. Ahem;

1. Blair Witch Project

Don’t forget the tissues when you go camping. Nobody likes Mr Sniffles. Especially when taking distressed selfies with a camcorder.

blair-witch-project-portable

2. Lion King

Always be wary of creepy and disfigured relatives.

tumblr_mcznadYBVS1rd40r8o1_500

3. Brokeback Mountain

Always be wary of your husband’s “fishing” buddies.

BrokebackTent1-bestquality

4. Beauty and the Beast

Rose maintenance can be difficult. Try soil and water.

Beauty and the Beast Rose

5. Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Be wary of EXTENDED director’s cuts.  It will feel like YOU are taking the ring to Mordor.

Lord of the Rings demented

6. Dark Knight

If you want to be taken seriously, remember to enunciate. Muzzled villains repeat after me; “How now brown cow”.

the_dark_knight_mumbles_by_jackoozy-d4j8wj6

For the full Dark Knight Rises review, click HERE

7. Star Wars

Never be afraid of over-the-top hats. Fabulous.

AMIDALA

8. Scream

When indulging in flirtatious phone calls with strangers, remember to lock all doors. Drew forgot.

Scream

9. Twilight

Why are you even going to Kristen Stewart movies? Stop that.

10. Inception

This spinning top does not validate your intelligence. Does it fall? Does it continue spinning? No one cares.

inception

11. Kill Bill

It’s rude to interrupt weddings. There will be consequences.

kill-bill-crazy-88s

For the review of Kill Bill: Vol 1, click HERE

12. Se7en

Sometimes postal service will let you down. Chin up!

Brad_Pitt_Seven

For the full review of se7en, click HERE

13. Dirty Dancing

Avoid painful/unnecessary surgeries. Jennifer Grey learnt this the hard way. Nose jobs put Baby in the corner.

nobodyputsbabyinacorner_44203239

14. Bridget Jone’s Diary

Never be caught in THAT pair of underwear.

bridget jones

15. Titanic

Never trust old people with your valuables.

Valuable

2013
04/19
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Movie Poster Madness

Popcornography feels that it has been neglecting its I See Dead Posters category for some time. In light of this, Popcornography thought it would share something that has sparked my interest of late. Hollywood loves to rehash films and does the same with film posters! Film posters generally tend to fall into certain categories and as a result can look scarily similar when compared. It is even difficult to differentiate between certain films and Popcornography has been confused all afternoon. Popcornography does not like to be confused.

Take a look at Popcornography’s Top 10 Poster Trends. Ahem…

1) Look Into My Dramatic Eye!

There is nothing quite like an eye close up to stir interest in a film. This poster trend works well for all movie genres- from horror (e.g The Eye) to epic science fiction (e.g Avatar) to children’s animation (e.g Dinosaur). The dramatic eye trend will never die. Bizarre.

2) I’ve Got Your Back In A Cutesy Kind of Way

Ah, The I’ve-got-your-back poster trend. Perhaps one of the more common poster trends and one I particularly loathe. Most commonly occurring as a result of B-grade romantic comedies. Don’t get me wrong, it definitely was cute back in the day. Remember Pretty Woman era? But enough now. If I see Matthew McConaughey in this pose one more time I will kill something.

3) Nature Is Just So Much Prettier In Blue

Urgh. The nature-is-just-so-much-prettier-in-blue trend is really not my kind of film.  This trend is most commonly found around children’s films or films using adorable animals to sell movie tickets. Expect to see whales, dolphins, huskies or all of the above in these movies.

4) I Seem To Have Only One Dress And It’s Red

This trend really shocked me. Good grief… There SURE are A LOT of red dresses in movie posters. This trend often goes unnoticed but has been around forever and often spans across multiple genres and eras. Be wary of this one. It spreads viciously. Somewhere in Hollywood, someone is making a lot of red dresses and A LOT of money.

5) Just Imagine How Hot My Front Must Be

The just-imagine-how-hot-my-front-must-be trend is one that has grown in popularity of late. Super-hero and action movies just love this trend! Let’s be serious, heroes and heroines in these films are far too cool to face forward. This one isn’t going anywhere.

6) I Think My Legs Are Hot And You Should Too

The I-think-my-legs-are-hot-and-you-should-too trend is most commonly the result of awkward/sexy teenage comedies. This trend was once very popular but seems to now be less prominent. It just looks cheap and relies too heavily on sexual imagery. Popcornography doesn’t approve.

7) Someone Wrote All Over My Face

The someone-wrote-all-over-my-face trend is most commonly associated with intellectual films. These film posters are sure to excite graphic design types. These films want to be taken seriously and for some reason writing on faces achieves this…

8) We Are Totally Naked In Bed Right Now

The we-are-totally-naked-and-in-bed-right-now trend will most likely result due to bitter-sweet romance films. Uncomfortable sexual escapades are well conveyed through these posters. It’s Complicated and The Break-Up are prime examples of this trend and show that this trend still holds its ground.

9) White, Black, Orange And Boring

These are the worst kind of movies! As soon as you see the white-black-orange-and-boring poster run for your life! These films are most likely going to be bland action films which will bore you to tears. Except of course for Die Hard. Everybody loves Die Hard.

10) Enticing Facial Close Ups

Lastly, the enticing-facial-close-ups trend is one that cannot go unnoticed. It usually surrounds emotional films that are sure to leave an impact. They may be within differing genres such as horror or drama but these films will definitely leave a mark once the credits roll. The Truman Show, Lord of War and The Dark Knight are Popcornography’s favourite enticing-facial-close-ups posters.

There you have it. Popcornography gives you its 10 Top Poster Trends. Some are cool. Some are not so cool. But there prominence in Hollywood is undeniable.

2012
10/18
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Popcornography’s love affair with Gigham

So finally, after weeks of flirting and drunken texting, Popcornography and Gigham are lovers. Gigham for those of you who don’t know, is the SUPER awesome events listing website. Gigham lists all events in Cape Town and Johannesburg and is a beyond convenient way to find out what and where events are happening around you!

Often I find myself invited to things that I have never heard of and consequently need details asap. Thank heavens that Gigham is able to provide such details in a sexy and sleek interface that is sure to excite any visitor. The beauty of Gigham is that its listings comprise of events of all categories. As much as Popcornography needs to know about sexy film events happening in and around Cape Town, sometimes one wants to know just what the eff kind of trance party your friends keep inviting you too. Thanks to Gigham, you can now be an empowered life enthusiast.

Popcornography has been monitoring film events in this way for quite some time. For instance, I know that the African Cinema Unit is presenting tomorrow evening on UCT’s upper campus. I shan’t be going. But surely you can understand why this is so handy?

Are you searching for new and exciting things to do with your life? Are you bored with the regular and routine activities? Are you craving spontaneity and excitement? We at Popcornography are. Luckily there is an answer and y’all now know who to thank- Gigham.

Let us sum up why Popcornography has been crushing on Gigham for some time by means of a simple demonstration. Ahem…

Life before Gigham: Kristen drowning in an ever-consuming vacuum of boredom

Life with Gigham: Anna Faris overwhelmed with bliss and merriment

Get the picture? Popcornography is excited for its relationship to thrive with Gigham. You should be too.

2012
10/11
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The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Here at Popcornography we sure love to follow Emma Watson’s every move. So it brings me great pleasure to preview The Perks of Being a Wallflower- the coming of age film adapted from Stephen Chbosky’s novel of the same name. It is hard to miss the specific tone exhibited by the trailer which is no surprise as The Perks of Being a Wallflower is brought to you by the production company responsible for Juno. Everyone loves Juno and I sure love Emma so The Perks of Being a Wallflower is sure not to disappoint.

Angsty

The film follows an introverted teenager who is befriended and introduced to the ‘real’ world by two seniors. The film is sure to deliver a heartfelt and quirky experience while adding tons of awkward adolescent exploration. Additionally, it is exciting to see Hermione do something else besides her Hogwarts and Burberry escapades. Quirky, fun and self-conscious teenagers with emotions- a never failing formula.

Emma prefers boys who don’t play with wands

Emma loves to live dangerously

Emma can EVEN make high school dances bearable

The Perks of Being a Wallflower has already received very favourable reviews and Miss Granger has been praised for her performance. The film will be released around late December 2012. It’s exciting. So be excited.

For more awkward teenage emotions make sure you check out the very touching trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Highly recommended! Nothing highlights teenage angst quite like “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons. 

2012
10/08
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Looper

Looper Poster

So Popcornography realizes that it has been all about the psycho lately. For psycho posts click here, here or here. I am thus thrilled to bring to you the preview for what is sure to be one of the biggest blockbusters this summer. Looper is an American science-fiction action film that will just about be the most thrilling, smart and thought-provoking thing you can watch this December. And yes, we are certainly very excited.

Sexy Screenshots!

In our infinite wisdom (from the trailer), the plot revolves around angry mobsters in the future, assassination and time travel. I get the sneaky suspicion that this movie is going to provide some Inception-esque moments in terms of desperately trying to understand what the eff is going on. But it looks awesome nonetheless! Looper has an all-star cast including Bruce Willis (Die Hard, The Sixth Sense), Joseph Gordon Levitt (Inception, The Dark Knight Rises) as well as Emily Blunt (The Devil wears Prada, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen).

Let us break down why you should be excited with yet another Popcornography list. Ahem.

Number 1: Bruce Willis is well Bruce Willis and Emily Blunt is delightful.

Emily, why are you so dishevelled?

Number 2: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the hottest new member of the Hollywood A-list and has an exceptional track record. Let’s not forget his superb performances in the latest installment of Vlermuisman (click here), 50/50 as well as Inception. He sure has come a long way since his 3rd Rock from the Sun days. For this we are glad.

Number 3: Now this deserves its own number on the list. And I can do that. It’s my blog. Joseph’s cute face has been changed for the entire film to sufficiently resemble his future counterpart; Bruce Willis. Interesting! I didn’t even recognize him in the trailer and only later did I realize what was happening. Is it wrong that I think he is better looking this way?

Joseph, why is your face weird?

Number 4: To date, Looper has received tons of critical acclaim and promises copious amounts of exciting and mind-bending sci-fi goodness. Doesn’t that just sound marvelous?

Number 5: Let’s be serious, time travel excites us all. Unless, it is via the medallion in Martin Lawrence’s Black Knight. That time travel didn’t excite anyone I am afraid.

Not cool

ANYWAY, get excited people because Looper is going to be the big thing this December.

For more on Looper and time travelly goodness, check out the trailer. Explosive. 

2012
10/03
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Funny Games

If one had to walk into a DVD Nouveau and ask to be disturbed, the friendly man behind the desk would insist you rent Funny Games. This has happened to me personally and yes the DVD Nouveau man was right; Funny Games is truly a unique thrilling experience that is quite impossible to articulate simply. Funny Games is more than a psychological thriller. Funny Games delivers a groundbreaking unsettling experience of which you will be completely uncomfortable throughout. Mark Kemode of the Observer wrote that “rarely has a film-maker exercised such perverse precision in his desire to torment an audience for whom he clearly harbours unbridled contempt.” This is the vision of director, Michael Haneke. He crafted a film that was not intended to be a mere horror, but rather a rebuke of violence in American cinema. The film never shows explicit gore of any kind, but rather cleverly evokes terror with suggestion. Michael Haneke crafted this movie with contempt towards the audience and intended for people to walk out of cinemas. What results is something that deeply disturbs me to this day. This movie, unless understood, will be perceived as a pointless two hours of filmed anguish. However, Funny Games delivers an unforgettable film experience like no other.

Beneath the smirk lurks a monster

Funny Games is a shot-for-shot remake of Michael Haneke’s predecessor and takes place in the U.S. with different actors. Funny Games follows a family that is held captive, terrorized and tortured in the Hamptons by two young boys (Michael Pitt and Brady Corbett). The violence occurs off-screen and the audience is only exposed to the reactions and screams of the abused couple and child. The parents are played by Naomi Watts and Tim Roth and deliver immaculate performances.

Funny Games attempts to torment the audience by breaking usual horror movie rules. Additionally, the antagonists have the ability to address the audience directly and can rewind time at will. Furthermore, the film’s aesthetic is pristine which inherently feels very anti-horror. What results is a film that blindsides its audience with a strange punch of torment. Michael Haneke crafts a film that ensures that the audience leaves agonized, frustrated and discontent. And he sure succeeds. Watching this film was a lot like being a part of the tortured family. Funny Games lashes out at society’s attraction to gore and violence. This bizarre film, consequently, led to incredibly mixed reviews.

The game begins

Papa and son are also part of the fun

Naomi has had enough fun

Funny Games is truly a stroke of genius. However, it is definitely not appropriate for a cozy movie night or anything like that. It is not for the faint-hearted. Funny Games will leave you disturbed, frustrated and confused but despite this it is recommendable.

Are you bored of typical horror films where girls in underwear are hacked to death by men in masks? Are you tired of clichéd plot lines? Are you an open-minded individual willing to embrace a new kind of film experience? Are you brave enough to endure Michael Haneke’s attack on contemporary society? If you answer yes to all the above questions, then Funny Games may just be for you.

If you are brave enough to embark on the Funny Games ride, firstly Popcornography commends you and secondly make sure you get the 2007 U.S. remade version. This one has Naomi Watts. Everyone loves Naomi. And it is set in the Hamptoms.  The Hamptoms is fabulous.

For more on Funny Games, check out the trailer (if you dare). HIGHLY recommended!

2012
09/30
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Pretty Persuasion

Popcornography has been running long enough for you all to know the truth. It is time to come clean and reveal my, not so secret, obsession with Evan Rachel Wood. Pretty Persuasion is 2005 black comedy satirical film that personifies Evan Rachel Wood like no other. Pretty Persuasion is my all time favourite dark comedy and deserves special Popcornography treatment.

Now before I begin to swoon shamelessly, Pretty Persuasion is about a 15 year old school girl who causes a fuss by accusing her drama teacher of sexual harassment. When Kimberley Joyce (Evan Rachel Wood) makes the above mentioned allegations she drags her friends, family as well as the media into her sinister plot. If you thought Mean Girls was twisted, then you have never seen school-girl evil quite like that demonstrated by Miss Wood. This film is upsetting and truly dark whilst concurrently managing to be utterly hilarious. Pretty Persuasion will have you on a roller coaster ride of emotions, all of which will be intense. But please, I would hate you to be fooled, Pretty Persuasion is no regular teen comedy and Kimberly Joyce is certainly no Regina George. In fact, Evan Rachel Wood makes Regina George seem like a Care Bear. And that is no easy feat.

Traumatizing the new girl 101

Besides the twisted, evil and methodological plotting of a 15 year-old, Pretty Persuasion has so much more to offer. The director, Marcos Siega, depicts an upscale 90210 high school as a metaphor for everything in contemporary American life. However, this is not new as we have seen this many times in film such as Heathers or Election. Screenwriter, Skander Halim, goes all out and focuses on a vast amount of issues in his satirical writing i.e. race, sex, gender identity, materialism, blackmail, intolerance, sexual harassment, discrimination, the war in Iraq, ignorance, suicide, celebrity and homosexuality. Pretty Persuasion embodies a tremendous amount of depth which lifts it above the regular teen comedy. To enhance the themes of materialism and moral decay, the film does not feature any popular music and does not feature contemporary branding of any kind. Social commentary sneaks in everywhere and we love it.

The epitome of family dysfunction 

 Consequent internal troubles

Evan Rachel Wood is scary good in this film. Emphasis on the scary. Her affinity towards challenging and daring material is awe-inspiring. Let’s not forget her role in Thirteen or more recently her part in Mildred Pierce. OBVIOUSLY, Evan would play a vampire queen in Trueblood. Evan loves to shock people. There is no one that makes interesting film choices quite like Evan.

Kimberley Joyce, an angst-ridden teen with a razor sharp mind and cruel agenda, is played almost too perfectly. Beautiful, evil geniuses excite me and the best of these is undoubtedly Kimberley Joyce. Evan’s portrayal of the troubled teen was praised by critics and these daring roles have lead to her mainstream success. Marrying Marilyn Manson did not hurt I am sure, but the gorgeous and incredibly talented Evan Rachel Wood can do no wrong.

Evan misbehaves in detention

Evan does what it takes to succeed. Women

Black comedies are rarely done well. And although Pretty Persuasion is often preachy, it delivers in shock-value, depth and genuine laughs. Besides this, Evan is perfect (as always). Lastly, Pretty Persuasion teaches us the importance of knowing whose boyfriend you are stealing. Do not miss Pretty Persuasion.

For more on Pretty Persuasion check out the trailer. 

2012
09/30
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The Talented Mr Ripley

”…it’s like the sun shines on you, and it’s glorious. And then he forgets you and it’s very very cold.” spoken by Gwyneth Paltrow in the 1999 psychological thriller film The Talented Mr Ripley by Anthony Minghella.

The Talented Mr Ripley is outstanding. It is fascinating to watch the skilled Tom Ripley (Matt Damon) deal with the horrific consequences of his endeavours. The Talented Mr Ripley follows Tom Ripley who is sent to retrieve a filthy rich and spoiled playboy; Dickie Greenleaf (Jude Law) from 1950s Europe. Unfortunately things do not go smoothly. Tom Ripley sure can forge signatures and impersonate people. Matt Damon plays the obsessed psychopath perfectly and I was continuously amazed by his performance. After establishing a (suspiciously) close friendship with the playboy millionaire, the plot soon twists into dark themes of unrequited love and obsession.

Stalky

Stalky stalky

When you find yourself sympathizing with sly, tricky and clever homicidal psychopaths, you can be sure that the performance is top notch. Gwyneth Paltrow plays the heart breaking role of Dickie Greenleaf’s girlfriend. My heart bled as she gets further entangled in the lies of Tom Ripley. However, it is Jude Law that really impresses. Dickie Greenleaf is amazing. He is gorgeous, charming and charismatic so much that one can understand the root of Tom’s obsession. As the mistreated Gwyneth so eloquently expresses, Dickie’s attention is sought after and when it subsides, it is difficult to handle. Dickie’s attention would drive anyone to homicidal behaviour. Tom Ripley would certainly agree. Losing

Let’s sum up why you should watch The Talented Mr Ripley. Ahem.

Number 1: Tom Ripley sure is a tricky one. Matt Damon delivers a career-best performance and gives new meaning to the word stalker.

Number 2: Gwyneth will have you sympathizing with her before long. No one plays the victim quite like old Gwyneth.

Gwyneth grows suspicious

Number 3: Watching the plot descend into darkness is truly fascinating. Despite how unnerving it becomes, there is a morbid fascination with how Tom Ripley outsmarts everyone.

Number 4: Jude Law is delightful. I want to be in San Remo with Jude Law. Like now. Like right now.

Number 5: The boat scene is truly moving and disturbing all at once. You won’t look at boat oars the same way ever again. The Talented Mr Ripley teaches us that hiring boats with psychotic stalkers is unwise.

Why would anyone hit this with a boat oar? I just don’t understand

Disturbing, ominous and thrilling, The Talented Mr Ripley should not be missed.

For more on obsessed homicidal stalkers, check out the trailer for The Talented Mr Ripley. 

2012
09/27
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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

With the exponential success of its sequel trilogy, The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit is an upcoming 3 part film series directed by Peter Jackson. The initial instalment of The Hobbit entitled An Unexpected Journey is being released towards the end of 2012. I was an avid fan of The Lord of the Rings back in its conception, however the first trailer for The Hobbit left me somewhat disinterested and underwhelmed.

Having not read the book, I am unfamiliar with the plot of The Hobbit. I watched the initial trailer and was confused at the amount of dwarfish humour that was occurring. The tone was considerably different to what I was expecting. Quirky and intrusive dwarves do not make for epic J.R.R Tolkien film adaptations. The Lord of the Rings changed lives when it was released and proved the Peter Jackson really was the hot new thing. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was a massive box office success and was praised by critics and fans alike. Do not get me wrong, I love Frodo as much as anyone else but it is suggested, from personal experience, that you do not watch all three movies in immediate succession. I recently watched all the extended director cuts which accumulated to something like 10 hours. It was intense. It felt like I was taking the ring to Mordor.

The pressures of entertaining

Anyway, I pray, that The Hobbit will not stray too far from the artistic style that was so successful in The Lord of the Rings. Let’s hope that the prequel trilogy will stay true to the J.R.R Tolkien roots. However, there is considerable evidence that The Hobbit will ultimately not disappoint. And of course is presented in list format. Ahem…

Number 1: Peter Jackson does no wrong. Peter Jackson is an outstanding director and besides The Lord of the Rings trilogy he is responsible for epic projects such as King Kong and The Lovely Bones.

Number 2: Expect eerie and moving Middle Earth music, hoera! Howard Shore is returning and is responsible for the related soundtrack. Put simply, this means we can expect the grandiose and emotionally stirring soundtracks so well attributed to Frodo and his quest.

Number 3: Gollum. That is all.

Number 4: One last thing that gives me hope is the fact that Ian McKellen and Cate Blanchett will be reprising their well known roles. Everybody loves Gandalf and Galadriel. Who can forget Galadriel’s freak-out when tempted by the ring in The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring? I certainly can’t.

Elf Queen loses her cool. Love it.

Anyway, my interest has finally been sparked. Let’s just hope there is less quirky-dwarf humour and more dragons.

Everybody loves dragons

For more on The Hobbit, check out the second trailer. Much better.

2012
09/26
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The Little Mermaid

”Life is full of tough choices, innit?!,” spoken by Ursula in the 1989 animated musical fantasy The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney Feature Animation.

Here at Popcornography we love Disney. Old-school Disney was something remarkable back in the day and today there is nothing that quite lives up to the splendour of those Disney gems we grew up with. Disney films were meticulously crafted and complimented by glorious soundtracks of which Alan Menken was mostly responsible. God bless Alan Menken. Anyway the point is, Disney movies were the thing back in the day. Well before they were tainted by atrocious sequels like Timone and Pumba do New York or Aladdin 5. Whatever.

Today’s Quote of the Day is inspired by the films that characterize many childhoods and more specifically to the most villainous animated Diva that ever was. The tentacles, the voice, the attitude, the BOOTAY, the nefarious plotting and mermaid tormenting. It all works and we LOVE it.

Fabulous.

Popcornography just loves it when villains deliver sadistic monologues in song. For  glorious villainy goodness make sure to check out Ursula’s Poor Unfortunate Souls.

2012
09/25
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